This past class was very disappointing to me. I really wanted to knock our American Beauty scene out of the park, and I felt that Andrew and I had the potential to really create something special on screen. I don't think we were terrible, but we were no where as good as we could have been, or even as good as where we were when we first read it down and did the shared history exercise. I just felt stuck in the same objectives and that they weren't taking me anywhere. I have been under pressure before, in fact I have been put under way worse pressure, but I just felt limited. Maybe I wasn't really listening to him--- because the work felt honest ---but it just felt as though it was sort of stuck in a glue mouse trap. I also think it helped that we were stuck together, so at least we were on the same page when it came to our issues. I know this is a wall that can pop up from time to time, and I also suppose it is up to the actor himself to figure out their own way around it. Had this happened to me, say a year, or even just a few months ago, I would have been extremely depressed and probably would have needed a week to get over feeling incompetent and ridiculous. However, as I have grown in experience and maturity level I think I am beginning to really learn from my mistakes and failures as opposed to just feeling hurt. This thick skin is, needless to say, vital.
BUT: I do concede that many of the issues we were having weren't our fault, and we had a lot to fight against that wouldn't normally be as big of an issue as it proved to be in the classroom setting. First the sub zero room temperature (what the hell was that about) Seriously, we walked into our normal sound stage and it was, no joke, probably like 45 degrees. So we had to move to the motion capture room which was not ideal for the different shots our scene called for. blah blah --I'm not trying to make excuses, but they are important to acknowledge I think in trying to unpack how things could have been better for us.
While I sat down feeling less than stellar, I have to say, I was very impressed with a one of the other scene and one particular performance. Watching the Wall Street scene it was absolutely stunning to see how far Sam, a production student as come. Something simply clicked with him during the shoot. I could not get the smile off my face as beat to beat he kept growing and doing interesting things. It was just so exciting to watch. All of sudden my lack of energy and enthusiasm for the moment returned and I desperately wanted to jump up and do our scene again. He was so present, so honest, it was electric. Probably even more so because he sort of had a personal acting break through. I feel like I rarely get to see these moments anymore since I have so many friends who are, at least in our little minds, veterans. While they are impressive and have their own great moments, nothing beats these very first moments of it truly clicking for new actors. I feel like I will be forever chasing that honesty that it so green and beautiful from new comers. Let's hope Thelma and Louise goes better for me yes? I have a strong feeling I will be doing the scene with an actor using Italian on me...
Monday, November 1, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
"There's a Method to my Madness!"
Shirley Jo got pissed tonight, and it was wonderful. I actually saw fear in eyes of colleagues when she threatened a final on all our heads. There are so many lazy actors out there who frankly need to leave the business and find something else to do with there time. They have absolutely no 'vision' nothing specific to how or when they see themselves. half is simple laziness and I may have other issues, but this has never been one of them. My vision for myself has always been extremely clear and tangible. I think I've been lucky. So many people have no idea what they want out of life. I've known since I was five. I thought everyone was just born knowing. I have subsequently found out that this is not true. Even when I was little I had passion and a lust for life, and as I have gotten older I just seem to overflowing over with it. Sometimes to the point where I'm not sure if I will ever be able to satisfy myself. I want to know everything. yes, I know this is ridiculous but I think it explains my college experience. I left a BFA program because I simply needed more than what it had to offer. To be the absolute best actor I can be I need to well versed in many disciplines.
I want to be a smart, diligent, actor who is in harmony with a director and communion with an audience. I also want to be an actor who can do anything. Like Kate Winslet, who is known to be fantastic and thus allowed to do whatever she fancies.
It is our job to channel the emotions that normal people can't deal with. And if you're actor who doesn't care enough about that, then I agree Shirley, they need to get the hell out.
Even though I didn't work tonight I found tonight's class to be very inspiring. The closing speech about when the actor has found how to channel the energy, gave me chills. Yes, I have felt this power before and it is other worldly and worth chasing. The best example I can think of is when Shakespeare text suddenly clicks within you. In London when I was working on Lady M, this happened for me. I have never felt so powerful. I could literally feel the energy and sexuality surging through my veins. Shakespeare seriously has all this majestic power that offers itself to actors who know how to get at it. I think That's probably why I am so interested in Shakespeare. It is certainly is the meatiest, healthiest text an actor can eat.
I want to be a smart, diligent, actor who is in harmony with a director and communion with an audience. I also want to be an actor who can do anything. Like Kate Winslet, who is known to be fantastic and thus allowed to do whatever she fancies.
It is our job to channel the emotions that normal people can't deal with. And if you're actor who doesn't care enough about that, then I agree Shirley, they need to get the hell out.
Even though I didn't work tonight I found tonight's class to be very inspiring. The closing speech about when the actor has found how to channel the energy, gave me chills. Yes, I have felt this power before and it is other worldly and worth chasing. The best example I can think of is when Shakespeare text suddenly clicks within you. In London when I was working on Lady M, this happened for me. I have never felt so powerful. I could literally feel the energy and sexuality surging through my veins. Shakespeare seriously has all this majestic power that offers itself to actors who know how to get at it. I think That's probably why I am so interested in Shakespeare. It is certainly is the meatiest, healthiest text an actor can eat.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Let's Start at the very Begining--- It's a very good place to start.
The work is never, ever done. I feel like I have picked up a lot of useful one-liners that encapsulate the work, and yet, I easily forget about this knowledge the minute a get a second to put it in practice. I can tell myself this again and again, but it just flies out the window a lot of the time and I easily get wrapped up in trivial things: like be impressive and attractive on the big pretty shiny screen.
I'll admit it: I was feeling pretty cocky after last week's class. That doesn't mean I didn't rehearsal the piece or wake it up again for this class. However, I think I was very obviously way too worried about the audience. FORGET THE AUDIENCE. -- in film of course. This is a class setting and I simply was too worried if I was reaching them enough or not. I was not focused on my objective, the setting, or the relationships. I was thinking about effecting the rest of the class. This is not what film is about. I need to transcend the lens, so to speak. Though I was very clearly on autopilot I was still proud of the work that I did. I think I have grown a lot as an actor and I think my new found confidence was evident on the screen. What I find interesting is that my inherent self hatred that used to make this particular piece very powerful, without me having to work toward the emotion is gone. I feel like I used to really know what these words meant. To be so lost and wanting to just die, I was able to internalize this piece with a fairly sophisticated level of substitution. I still have insecurities but my deep loathing is no longer weighing me down anymore. I think I may have to find these again inside myself to bring this piece back form the dead.
Which brings me to my favorite jewel of the night. When you understand the moments (the relationships, the setting, all the Uta goodness) you don't need to plan or direct yourself in any way. If you do your home work it will simply happen organically. Writing it down it seems so obvious. ALLISON HOW MANY ACTING CLASSES HAVE YOU TAKEN?! WAKE UP. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN TOLD THIS? Still though, phrased that way, I' not sure anyone has ever put it that way. It just clicked with me tonight.
For next week I am going to do a complete and through character study and see what that releases with my new maturity. Just like I used to do in high school, over indulgent and obsessive, I think sometimes actors can get jaded and forget the beauty of the process. Even the stumbling and struggling bits lend themselves to gorgeous moments of honesty.
Libby- The Maiden's Prayer- Nicky Silver
-My present state of being is winding crushing, spinning desperation
-I perceive myself as a black desolate hole and impossible and immune to being loved by anyone.
- I am wearing the sexiest black dress I own.
-It is very late (2:30am) in the winter.
-I am in Paul (my best friend's) apartment in NYC on the fourth floor in room 416. Very Sketchy neighborhood.
-What has just happened is that I went to a bar hoping to dull my pain for Taylor and get more booze ( the love of my life who is marrying my sister and wants nothing to do with me anymore) where I was picked up by a fat older, but reasonably kind man, we had sex and then he paid me because he thought I was a common whore.
-My relationhships are best broken down sperately:
-Paul: my best friend who I met at my sister and Taylor's wedding. He means everything to me. He is the one person I feel I belong too and he belongs to me.
-Taylor: life and a promise of happiness.
I know this piece inside and out. Let's see what happens after this little refresher.
I'll admit it: I was feeling pretty cocky after last week's class. That doesn't mean I didn't rehearsal the piece or wake it up again for this class. However, I think I was very obviously way too worried about the audience. FORGET THE AUDIENCE. -- in film of course. This is a class setting and I simply was too worried if I was reaching them enough or not. I was not focused on my objective, the setting, or the relationships. I was thinking about effecting the rest of the class. This is not what film is about. I need to transcend the lens, so to speak. Though I was very clearly on autopilot I was still proud of the work that I did. I think I have grown a lot as an actor and I think my new found confidence was evident on the screen. What I find interesting is that my inherent self hatred that used to make this particular piece very powerful, without me having to work toward the emotion is gone. I feel like I used to really know what these words meant. To be so lost and wanting to just die, I was able to internalize this piece with a fairly sophisticated level of substitution. I still have insecurities but my deep loathing is no longer weighing me down anymore. I think I may have to find these again inside myself to bring this piece back form the dead.
Which brings me to my favorite jewel of the night. When you understand the moments (the relationships, the setting, all the Uta goodness) you don't need to plan or direct yourself in any way. If you do your home work it will simply happen organically. Writing it down it seems so obvious. ALLISON HOW MANY ACTING CLASSES HAVE YOU TAKEN?! WAKE UP. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN TOLD THIS? Still though, phrased that way, I' not sure anyone has ever put it that way. It just clicked with me tonight.
For next week I am going to do a complete and through character study and see what that releases with my new maturity. Just like I used to do in high school, over indulgent and obsessive, I think sometimes actors can get jaded and forget the beauty of the process. Even the stumbling and struggling bits lend themselves to gorgeous moments of honesty.
Libby- The Maiden's Prayer- Nicky Silver
-My present state of being is winding crushing, spinning desperation
-I perceive myself as a black desolate hole and impossible and immune to being loved by anyone.
- I am wearing the sexiest black dress I own.
-It is very late (2:30am) in the winter.
-I am in Paul (my best friend's) apartment in NYC on the fourth floor in room 416. Very Sketchy neighborhood.
-What has just happened is that I went to a bar hoping to dull my pain for Taylor and get more booze ( the love of my life who is marrying my sister and wants nothing to do with me anymore) where I was picked up by a fat older, but reasonably kind man, we had sex and then he paid me because he thought I was a common whore.
-My relationhships are best broken down sperately:
-Paul: my best friend who I met at my sister and Taylor's wedding. He means everything to me. He is the one person I feel I belong too and he belongs to me.
-Taylor: life and a promise of happiness.
I know this piece inside and out. Let's see what happens after this little refresher.
Monday, August 30, 2010
An Intense Sense of Play and Fierce Visuality: Or, I'm back.
I have no idea why I decided to start this up again. I didn't even like it that much when I had to do it for 340. It all seems so intensely self indulgent. But then I remembered that I am pursing the most indulgent of arts, so screw it. I mean-- I've had serious upper division classes that required me to write about my feelings and draw my aura with crayons. Who am I kidding? I'm obsessed with me. Might as well compartmentalise my self love and categorize it properly to stand the test of time.
Besides, I was lying. I actually loved doing this for 340. I even got an A on my (insert snooty cough here) academic blog attempt.
For my acting for film and TV class through the Cinema school (not Hacker) I am required to keep a journal (once again about my feelings, GOD I love my job), so I also figured this might be the easier way to do it. My acting journal will be organized, shiny and indestructible. Not to mention green. I am so getting close to the level of hip Hollywood elitist.
Probably because I have found myself in a strange, alien new phase of my life. Running out into the echo chamber of cyber -space seemed strangely inviting, and I have heard time and time again how important it is for actors to keep journals. By using blogger I can add videos and pictures at will and immortalize my 20 something self. I'm choosing to believe that this is a good thing.
I feel in Alien land because for the first time in a long time I am really questioning myself. My life is in the arts, but I have recently realized that I have the ability to be happy. What a novel concept, truly. I can and deserve to be happy and it is up to me to figure out where the artistic community exists that will best serve me. For a long time I accepted depression and just tried to function underneath it. London changed a lot for me. This summer changed a lot for me. Before all of this I was 100 % positive that Film and la la land where for me. Now, sitting in my apt (which is really the kindness of my friend's couch) I'm not sure. BUT, this is all far to exciting for the first return post.
This time last year I was on a plane to London. I honestly thought I would never come back. I felt as though that experience would be my new existence. One thing I have learned is that no matter how hard you try to hold onto life the way it is, you will still lose it every time. Nothing is permanent. Happiness and bliss are fleeting. They take you by surprise and leave you just as quickly wondering if you simply dreamed it all up. Probably why I love acting so much.
That sounded very bleak--- but make no mistake, I am currently happy. My life is still exciting. Just strange. I am certainly navigating new waters with lots of new characters and the future's so bright I got to wear shades. Hip Target shades.
Besides, I was lying. I actually loved doing this for 340. I even got an A on my (insert snooty cough here) academic blog attempt.
For my acting for film and TV class through the Cinema school (not Hacker) I am required to keep a journal (once again about my feelings, GOD I love my job), so I also figured this might be the easier way to do it. My acting journal will be organized, shiny and indestructible. Not to mention green. I am so getting close to the level of hip Hollywood elitist.
Probably because I have found myself in a strange, alien new phase of my life. Running out into the echo chamber of cyber -space seemed strangely inviting, and I have heard time and time again how important it is for actors to keep journals. By using blogger I can add videos and pictures at will and immortalize my 20 something self. I'm choosing to believe that this is a good thing.
I feel in Alien land because for the first time in a long time I am really questioning myself. My life is in the arts, but I have recently realized that I have the ability to be happy. What a novel concept, truly. I can and deserve to be happy and it is up to me to figure out where the artistic community exists that will best serve me. For a long time I accepted depression and just tried to function underneath it. London changed a lot for me. This summer changed a lot for me. Before all of this I was 100 % positive that Film and la la land where for me. Now, sitting in my apt (which is really the kindness of my friend's couch) I'm not sure. BUT, this is all far to exciting for the first return post.
This time last year I was on a plane to London. I honestly thought I would never come back. I felt as though that experience would be my new existence. One thing I have learned is that no matter how hard you try to hold onto life the way it is, you will still lose it every time. Nothing is permanent. Happiness and bliss are fleeting. They take you by surprise and leave you just as quickly wondering if you simply dreamed it all up. Probably why I love acting so much.
That sounded very bleak--- but make no mistake, I am currently happy. My life is still exciting. Just strange. I am certainly navigating new waters with lots of new characters and the future's so bright I got to wear shades. Hip Target shades.
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